And You Save Me, Oh You Save Me

Gotye-Save Me

I have so many things going through my head right now. I haven’t written in a while. And I always wonder why I stop and then start and then stop again when it comes to writing out my thoughts. But I’ve finally come to realize, it’s always a song. A song triggers it all. A complete change of perspective. Something within me slides into place, as if it belonged there all along. Something, shifts. I feel a movement in my bones. I slowly feel more rejuvenated. More adventurous. I think the fact that summer is getting closer is also a determining factor. I feel so, alive. So lucky, and happy. And I feel like everything that has happened can only change me for the better. And then I realize that all of this is true no matter what, or how I feel. Change is irreversible. I feel the shifting of my soul’s pegs, one step at a time, I feel it all. I feel like flying. I want to go to the ocean. I want to feel the wind in my hair. Let my hand sift through the air, feeling it icily kiss my fingertips. I want to smile, and laugh. And feel again. I’ve been so numb for so long. I have closed my heart, and my mind. It’s time for a change. Time to smile, because I fucking feel like it. Time to be happy, for no reason at all. Just to be that way because I want to. I want to drive around with my best friends, walk through open fields, run away from life, and feel the sun kiss our shoulders. I want to go swimming in the ocean. I’ve never done that before. Because. Why? I have no idea. But I never have, and it seems about time to do so. Time to walk up to a random stranger and start a conversation. Time to tell the guy I’ve had a crush on since my best friend met her boyfriend, that I think he’s the sweetest thing on this side of the Mississippi. I want to flirt like I’m being paid to do it. I want to get shitfaced, because I can. Simple as that. I want to laugh so hard I cry, with my best friend by my side. I want to embarrass myself and look like a psycho in front of random strangers. I know, life’s such an important thing. It’s all so important. But in the end, all you will have is your memories. Your memories, your regrets, and your accomplishments. So I want flings, and drunken nights, and long talks on my front porch, and lighting stuff on fire just for fun, and falling asleep in my car, and sleepovers with my best friends, and pigging out on soda and Mexican candy on a Friday night, and working in the morning, and thrifting in San Diego, and flying up to San Francisco to visit my crazy family, and moving to New York city to live out my dream, and falling in love with someone, and smiling, and laughing, and believing in the people who never believed in themselves, and telling people to fuck off when I can’t handle them any longer, and driving to the ocean at midnight, and yelling profanities at my neighbors at three in the morning, and waking up next to the people I care about, and falling asleep next to the people I’m getting to know, and going to the movies after work, and finding new music that gets my heart to soar, and getting tickets from bastard policemen for parking in dumb places, and riding a train, and paddle boarding, and eating stuff that makes me fat, and playing with my puppy, and screaming at the top of my lungs to music in my car, and going to Disneyland, and looking through old photo albums with my mom, and driving around the outskirts of my town, and inviting people over at two in the morning, and having tickle fights, and doing whatever the hell I want. It sounds so nice. To just let go, and take a deep breathe before the plunge, but with a smile on my face, and a heart full of love. It’s taken me almost eighteen years to realize one thing. Life is about what you want. No one cares what you do. You shouldn’t care what others think of you. Because regardless, you will most likely never see them again. People get around, get grumpy, get happy, get angry, get crazy. You stay you, do what you want. Do whatever the hell floats your boat. Because the closer you come to the end of something, the more you realize that every single thing in your life could be gone in an instant. And what will you want to remember? How you worked your ass off, and never smiled. I know I wouldn’t. I would want to remember being happy. Being full of life, and never satisfied with being plain. Being bold and wonderful. I’m so over this cloud of grey that has been hanging over my head for so long. I’m so done. I want to smile again. Fuck, I am smiling. And for some reason, some weird, unexplainable reason, I feel like a brand new person. Like I’ve just shed a layer of my life off, and it’s finally time to start new. And I have never been so excited to be new again. So bring it on. Bring on disappointments, and letdowns and rejections, I’ll tell any and every guy I think is cute that he is. I don’t want to hold back. I’ll be gone so soon, there’s literally no point in giving up on life now. This is just the end of a chapter in my life. This isn’t even the end. It’s a beginning. Of my adulthood, and my life as an independent, pale, freckled, disproportionate, silly looking girl. And I seriously can’t wait. I really can’t. I can’t stop thinking about all the possibilities. There are so goddamn many! Take me to the ocean. Take me dancing. Or ice skating, or rollerblading, or racecar driving, or take me to a show, to a ballet, to a fucking art gallery, or a park in the middle of a big city. Take me on an adventure. It all sounds so wonderful. So beautiful. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want it all, everything that life will give to me. I want it all. I can’t wait to have it all again. To smile again, and know that there doesn’t have to be a reason, or a person, or anything behind it. Just simple muscles pulling my face up. That’s all I need. A spark, a smile, a simple thought, just a simple thought.

Here’s to new things, old things, borrowed things, things that should be forgotten, and things that will always be remembered. Thanks for being in my life, one way or another. Thank you for this past year, and the years before. I couldn’t have made it without you.

All my love, Alyssa.